I Don’t Trust God

Okay, I’ll admit it.

I don’t trust God.

Woooohhh, I stare at that barefaced statement and for a second…let it settle. And when it does, so begins my internal dialogue:

Did I just write that?

Yup.

Am I blasphemous?

Nah…I’m just telling the truth.

Am I exposed?

Yes, definitely. But who’s really coming for my God card anyway? As if confessing this diminishes my credentials?

I’ve been confused by the symptoms. Wondering how I have such a strong belief in the idea of God but when it comes to the very real and practical everyday areas of my life, (like work, friendships, time management, etc) I flounder for solutions.

Case in point: This morning I went into crisis mode. My husband and I found out that some money we were expecting to get will be delayed by a month. As I am in between jobs and we are living from one income, a month’s delay seemed like long nights of questions, scraping up and struggling. When I heard the news, that reality slapped me in the face. So I began emailing contacts for jobs (after applying to quite a few already) then refreshing my email every five minutes (literally), checking credit card statements and making mental plans and agendas. All the while, my husband was staring at me with a quite peaceful look on his face and then said in a placid but revealing tone: there you are, trying to fix it yourself again.

I stopped and I felt like the Coyote when the Road Runner foiled his plans and the Coyote is left being hit by a boulder on the ground with stars rotating around his bruised head.

Coyote-wall

Only instead of stars, I have emails and agendas floating around my head. They crashed to the ground when I came to myself and answered, you’re right.

Then it came to me. I don’t trust God.

There are some things in my life that I am so used to fixing myself that I don’t invite God to help me. Or some things I am so ashamed of that I keep myself from surrendering. For instance, there was a time when I saw my mom struggle financially. I vowed that I would never be in that situation. Now here I am front row, first class ticket on the struggle bus. Or, I am a Spelman grad, how did this happen to me? I have to Olivia Pope my way out of this situation quick fast and in a hurry. I imagine myself strutting in the Pope and Associates office in my mind, my elegant coat whipping at its coattails, hammering out orders to myself. And meanwhile God is leaning on that big distressed wooden table looking at me like “Are you done yet”?

Yes. I say as I think about how foolish I must look.

Yes. I say now, as I know I have come to the end of myself.

I am not saying that I am going to stop all of my pursuits of looking for a job. I think that would displease God. I am saying that I am not going to make a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C and maybe remember to make God a Plan D. I will put Him back in His rightful place as Plan A. Praying to Him, asking for His strength and trusting that He will lead me to the place that is best for me. Putting God as my Plan A also means letting go of the constraints I have made by deeming this season I am in as unacceptable. Regardless of where I come from, where I have been and even how I got here…I am here. And I need to remember that God’s grace and love always meets me where I am.

So there you have it. I just wrote myself out of my crisis mode. And I am committing to trusting God as my family’s Provider. I’m not going to lie and say I am not going to freak out again or even that this won’t be hard. But I am going to say that I am inviting God to do His thing, leaving room for my own surrender. If I don’t know anything else, I know the end of this will be good.

This comes from one of my favorite scripture's -Ecclesiastes 3:11
This comes from one of my favorite scriptures Ecclesiastes 3:11

Spending Christmas in the Cancer Ward

Seeing someone you love suffering, is excruciating. Maybe it’s the helplessness you feel. Maybe it’s the acute awareness that you feel fine and they don’t and you can’t help but ache at how unfair it seems.  It is crushing to the heart. That is exactly what I feel when I sit besides my dear and beautiful mom. I am still. And so very present in each moment I am with her, there are no distractions just prayer and a constant consciousness of her suffering. That is probably why I have heard God so clearly these past few days. And I thought that these little nuggets were too beautiful not to share. 

There is always something greater beyond suffering

I chose to write this first because to me it’s the most convoluted. Some may question the type of God that uses suffering to teach lessons. I feel especially cautious because I am speaking on behalf of the suffering of someone who I love beyond words. But I know deep in my heart that there is something great beyond the suffering that my mom is withstanding. It may be endurance, hope or strength ( Romans 5:3-5, I Peter 5:10) but I know it has transformed me. I have never prayed as much as I have in the past three months and I have never witnessed God’s faithfulness as I am now.   I have never been so determined to live as unapologetically me (as my mom has always encouraged me to do) as I am now. Tiptoeing around the preferences and perceived judgment of others, no longer holds gravity in my decision-making. Being who God intended me to be is far more important.  I am blinded by and transformed by the things that truly matter and for that (dare I say) I count this season as joy ( James 1). If God has changed me in so many ways I cannot imagine what the Lord has for my mom after this is all over.

God is Faithful

Unequivocally. Matchlessly. That is why I haven’t questioned Him. I know that his sovereignty makes Him wiser than me and I trust Him. I trust Him with my mother’s life.

He Shows You How to Love Others

One day when my mom was a little confused from all of her pain medicine she said something that I will never forget.  In between some whispers I could not understand, she murmured, “I want presents, no one ever gives me presents“. I knew that no matter how much medication she had, those words came straight from the heart.

Immediately I thought of how she shows me love.

Every time I came home from college, my mom would always have a bouquet of flowers waiting on my dresser or a little present wrapped sweetly on my bed. When I was away she sent me gift packages and found a way to always show me that she was thinking about me. When thinking about my reciprocity, I remember always thinking about all the different gifts I could get her for birthdays, Mothers’ day and just because days, than dismissing those thoughts because I thought I couldn’t afford them. Or I didn’t prioritize the steps needed to make or buy and then send or give those gifts. As soon as she said those words, I rushed down to the hospital gift store and bought her everything I thought she would like. I couldn’t help but regret how I let all those moments that I was inspired to get her a gift pass me by because of money, time or simple inconvenience. I didn’t know it then, but I believe that I was inspired to do exactly what she needed. God was giving me urges to love her in a way that only they (He and her) knew would impress on her heart.

I vowed that day to never let an inspired moment of desiring to affirm someone with my words, buy a gift, or offer them service be dismissed.

I never want to miss the opportunity to love someone 🙂

Mother

Thank you for listening as I unpacked my thoughts.

Thank you for your prayers.

If you would like to help my mom, please click on the link below:

http://www.gofundme.com/msimmons

With All of My Love and Gratitude, 

Sam