Spending Christmas in the Cancer Ward

Seeing someone you love suffering, is excruciating. Maybe it’s the helplessness you feel. Maybe it’s the acute awareness that you feel fine and they don’t and you can’t help but ache at how unfair it seems. It is crushing to the heart. That is exactly what I feel when I sit besides my dear and beautiful mom. I am still. And so very present in each moment I am with her, there are no distractions just prayer and a constant consciousness of her suffering. That is probably why I have heard God so clearly these past few days. And I thought that these little nuggets were too beautiful not to share.

There is always something greater beyond suffering

I chose to write this first because to me it’s the most convoluted. Some may question the type of God that uses suffering to teach lessons. I feel especially cautious because I am speaking on behalf of the suffering of someone who I love beyond words. But I know deep in my heart that there is something great beyond the suffering that my mom is withstanding. It may be endurance, hope or strength ( Romans 5:3-5, I Peter 5:10) but I know it has transformed me. I have never prayed as much as I have in the past three months and I have never witnessed God’s faithfulness as I am now. I have never been so determined to live as unapologetically me (as my mom has always encouraged me to do) as I am now. Tiptoeing around the preferences and perceived judgment of others, no longer holds gravity in my decision-making. Being who God intended me to be is far more important. I am blinded by and transformed by the things that truly matter and for that (dare I say) I count this season as joy ( James 1). If God has changed me in so many ways I cannot imagine what the Lord has for my mom after this is all over.

God is Faithful

Unequivocally. Matchlessly. That is why I haven’t questioned Him. I know that his sovereignty makes Him wiser than me and I trust Him. I trust Him with my mother’s life.

He Shows You How to Love Others

One day when my mom was a little confused from all of her pain medicine she said something that I will never forget. In between some whispers I could not understand, she murmured, “I want presents, no one ever gives me presents”. I knew that no matter how much medication she had, those words came straight from the heart.

Immediately I thought of how she shows me love.

Every time I came home from college, my mom would always have a bouquet of flowers waiting on my dresser or a little present wrapped sweetly on my bed. When I was away she sent me gift packages and found a way to always show me that she was thinking about me. When thinking about my reciprocity, I remember always thinking about all the different gifts I could get her for birthdays, Mothers’ day and just because days, than dismissing those thoughts because I thought I couldn’t afford them. Or I didn’t prioritize the steps needed to make or buy and then send or give those gifts. As soon as she said those words, I rushed down to the hospital gift store and bought her everything I thought she would like. I couldn’t help but regret how I let all those moments that I was inspired to get her a gift pass me by because of money, time or simple inconvenience. I didn’t know it then, but I believe that I was inspired to do exactly what she needed. God was giving me urges to love her in a way that only they (He and her) knew would impress on her heart.

I vowed that day to never let an inspired moment of desiring to affirm someone with my words, buy a gift, or offer them service be dismissed.

I never want to miss the opportunity to love someone 🙂

Mother

Thank you for listening as I unpacked my thoughts.

Thank you for your prayers.

If you would like to help my mom, please click on the link below:

http://www.gofundme.com/msimmons

With All of My Love and Gratitude,

Sam

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