Okay, I’ll admit it.
I don’t trust God.
Woooohhh, I stare at that barefaced statement and for a second…let it settle. And when it does, so begins my internal dialogue:
Did I just write that?
Am I blasphemous?
Nah…I’m just telling the truth.
Am I exposed?
Yes, definitely. But who’s really coming for my God card anyway? As if confessing this diminishes my credentials?
I’ve been confused by the symptoms. Wondering how I have such a strong belief in the idea of God but when it comes to the very real and practical everyday areas of my life, (like work, friendships, time management, etc) I flounder for solutions.
Case in point: This morning I went into crisis mode. My husband and I found out that some money we were expecting to get will be delayed by a month. As I am in between jobs and we are living from one income, a month’s delay seemed like long nights of questions, scraping up and struggling. When I heard the news, that reality slapped me in the face. So I began emailing contacts for jobs (after applying to quite a few already) then refreshing my email every five minutes (literally), checking credit card statements and making mental plans and agendas. All the while, my husband was staring at me with a quite peaceful look on his face and then said in a placid but revealing tone: there you are, trying to fix it yourself again.
I stopped and I felt like the Coyote when the Road Runner foiled his plans and the Coyote is left being hit by a boulder on the ground with stars rotating around his bruised head.
Only instead of stars, I have emails and agendas floating around my head. They crashed to the ground when I came to myself and answered, you’re right.
Then it came to me. I don’t trust God.
There are some things in my life that I am so used to fixing myself that I don’t invite God to help me. Or some things I am so ashamed of that I keep myself from surrendering. For instance, there was a time when I saw my mom struggle financially. I vowed that I would never be in that situation. Now here I am front row, first class ticket on the struggle bus. Or, I am a Spelman grad, how did this happen to me? I have to Olivia Pope my way out of this situation quick fast and in a hurry. I imagine myself strutting in the Pope and Associates office in my mind, my elegant coat whipping at its coattails, hammering out orders to myself. And meanwhile God is leaning on that big distressed wooden table looking at me like “Are you done yet”?
Yes. I say as I think about how foolish I must look.
Yes. I say now, as I know I have come to the end of myself.
I am not saying that I am going to stop all of my pursuits of looking for a job. I think that would displease God. I am saying that I am not going to make a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C and maybe remember to make God a Plan D. I will put Him back in His rightful place as Plan A. Praying to Him, asking for His strength and trusting that He will lead me to the place that is best for me. Putting God as my Plan A also means letting go of the constraints I have made by deeming this season I am in as unacceptable. Regardless of where I come from, where I have been and even how I got here…I am here. And I need to remember that God’s grace and love always meets me where I am.
So there you have it. I just wrote myself out of my crisis mode. And I am committing to trusting God as my family’s Provider. I’m not going to lie and say I am not going to freak out again or even that this won’t be hard. But I am going to say that I am inviting God to do His thing, leaving room for my own surrender. If I don’t know anything else, I know the end of this will be good.